Solomon Grundy died on a Saturday. As his soul was floating up, he was stopped by Metatron.
Metatron is considered the personal secretary to God: he scribes God's Will, jots down the Judgement that has been delivered upon each soul, and passes it on to the Departed. In other words, the first voice you hear after your death is that of Metatron, not God. And the first one you meet after your death is Metatron, not God.
So all the lousy-headed, flea-balled, gore-monging, ISIS-lauding, yellow-biled camel-fuckers who kill in the name of God so that they can meet Him after death, can go suck one another other off on this.
But I digress.
At first this man was confused, not knowing what to make of this halting; it was his first experience at death. Like a first-time flyer, he stared listlessly for further instructions at the gentle face of Metatron, who now took out his scribe-board and read out the Judgement:
"You have been stout of health and strong of character, and have lived your days by The Book. Choose between both the Gates and make your mind to pass through one of them. Your wish shall be granted."
The man gave a sigh of relief. In his heart, he was surely choosing Heaven but years of preaching had flamed his inquisitiveness, and out of sheer curiosity, he ended up peeping through the Gates of Hell.
He had expected to hear ear-splitting screams of pain and suffering, see souls being drowned alive in cauldrons of boiling lard, and tortured souls being flogged while dragging sledge.
But he was in for a huge surprise.
There was a sharp contrast. Neither could he hear a scream, nor see a soul in torture. A purplish, mellow gleam had settled all over the place, and a spotlight was fixed on a rostrum.
It was surrounded by prominent lawyers, politicians, actors, advertising giants, lawmakers and other important-looking people. Everyone was dressed in shiny, colourful, satin gowns and were sipping expensive wines from ruby-lined glasses.
Sensuous music was streaming from the background and gorgeous women were swaying to the tunes of it, on the rostrum.
Solomon picked up his jaw from the floor and wiped his drool. He thought- "Boy... if this is Hell, then Heaven must be some classy deal." With a happy, expectant heart, he peeped through the Gates of Heaven.
There were vanilla-colored clouds floating all around. In fact, the entire place looked like a vanilla cloud. Three bored, half-sleepy girls with white wings were plucking on harps in a corner.
The tunes were those from the Sunday Psalms. There were a few ripe fruits lying around. People were walking in white robes, drinking water from white jugs. Solomon's eyes had started hurting from the white.
Notions of both Heaven and Hell were diametrically different for him now. He started pondering: these two places were nothing like what he had been led to believe in his life. He is not going to make the same mistake in his Afterlife too.
With a changed perception, he looked at Metatron and said:
"Let me to Hell."
Metatron (apprehensively)- "Are you sure?"
Solomon- "Hell, yeah!"
Sure enough, within a few minutes, Solomon was treading the soils of Hell. But lo and Behold! What could have possibly happened here!
Gone were the soft glows! Gone were the lights! Gone were the wines and women! Alas! Gone was the soothing music too!
The air was now pungent with the reek of burning flesh, and the floors were sticky from bile and blood. From a distance, one could hear the heart-rending cries of souls being boiled alive in cauldrons of molten lard shoot through the icy-cold air.
The magnitude of his folly had barely started to manifest itself on Solomon when RAPT!! came a cracking whip on his back, peeling his skin and tearing the flesh off his being, soaking him in blood.
He dropped like lead on the floor writhing in pain, and turned around to meet his tormentor. It was Satan. There was an evil grin on his face.
"Why? Why did you do this to me? Why did you fool me? Why? WHY? WHY!!!!"- shouted Solomon.
Satan smiled and replied:-
"Simple. Yesterday, you were a prospect. Now, you are a customer."
RAPT!!!!
(to be continued...)
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